A New Love?

Well, got the new Mac today. It was not my idea. Dad insists that it's what I need for my video editing stuff, but so far, I'm at a loss for what to do with it. I'm going to have to teach myself how to use another video editor, one that might even be sub par to my old one, which is not compatible with the Mac. *le sigh* So far its been a great amount of fun, playing with gadgets and whatnot. I got iPhoto all set up, everything uploaded and whatnot, but no music yet other than what I have on Home Share. Other than that, I'm kinda in shock from teh transition and I don't know what to do with it. I suppose I'll have to wait for a real use for it before I can quote - unquote "Fall in love with it."

Here's hoping.

Well, its certainly been a long time since my last post, eh? Junior year really ate me up. I supposed my summer didn't truly start until the beginning of this week. June was such a busy month witt have summer school in the morning and gallery duty or rehearsal in the mid afternoon or evening. And then of course there was the continuing tv parties at the Batka house. I'm just a nonstop social butterfly. But now as the days pass, I find I have more time for things like blogging and endless hours on facebook. Lets face it, this past month I might have spent a total of one hour per day on Facebook. Very much unlike me. But now I'm having trouble figuring out what to do with myself. NOw that there is no rehearsal, I think I have to start making more time for Michael as well as utilizing it to full potential. Next week, I have two projects: The documentary and Michael time. The more and more I think about it, the more and more I think about how I"m getting used to the idea of him leaving Greenfield for college. I'm going to help him move into his dorm. That was something I always meant to do with IO but never got the chance. Maybe this time around I'll get it right.

To sleep, perchance to dream...

My text to Alex upon returning home:

"How art thou, my most worthy suitor? I daresay your broken silence was long awaited by thou patient lady. I would away with you in froglic had I not been swept away by the silver-tongued Player Branagh!"

His response:
"Go-eth to hell-eth."

Ah I do annoy him so. Anyhow, today was beyond great. With the epic viewing of Hamlet in Ms. Jenkins' room after school today, I was in for a long haul, but I did not succomb to slumber as I originally thought I would. I stayed awake through the whole darn thing. It did help that I saw Hudson's face in everything Polonius said. And Robin Williams as a foppish generic gentleman was beyond amusing. You can almost see Ken behind the scenes going, "Okay, Robin, you gotta pull it back, this IS a tragedy..."

Afterwards, we got a tour of the new part of the buliding. It's so exciting to know that I'll be in some of those rooms next semester. I'll have APUSH, Spanish, and Psychology upstairs. I can't wait!

I need a flashlight...

Alex keeps inviting me to youth groups...and I want to go, because I want to be involved with things he likes...but churches make me feel so uncomfortable. Because when everyone is standing, and I watch Amy sing, and I look around and everyone else looks so happy, and I realize it's because they have this sense of faith in them that I have never had. And it's such a lonely feeling to be the only person in the room who's not sharing in that great inner-strength. I'm jealous of them. I believe in God...but I don't feel that same aura that they must feel. I've been afraid all my life that God is going to send me to Hell because I don't go to church...and I don't pray...and I don't read the Bible. I went to his youth group tonight, and everyone went around and talked about making time for God, and prioritizing time for him. "God gave his own son so you could live. Is it so much to ask for you to take fifteen mintues a day to focus on him?" And it made me tear up, because I DO believe in God....but because of the way I've been raised, I think it's foolish to leave everything up to God...I mean...he's got bigger fish to fry....plagues and whatnot. He's given me my life's hand and it's up to me to make something of it....That has been my life's belief. I'm a good person...but now I'm even more terrified that I'm still going to Hell because I don't actively worship. I feel like I need to change, but I don't know why...other than I'm scared...I need help...

Little Things

It's so often in our lives that the little things are what keep us bustling through life. When life gets hard, we seek for the solace in little things when nothing big seems to be motivating us. People bother us, homework gets hefty, families get annoying, life gets slow. You get a failing grade on a test, no matter how hard you study, no matter how many flash cards you make or how many facts you can rattle off the top of your head. Families once again come down on you for shirking your responsibilities at home because what you're doing out in the world is more important to you than washing dishes. Friends trouble us, frustrate us, and even sometimes let us down. Boiling everything down to what it really is, simplifying it, polishing it and removing the flecks of bad can really help us smile on the fact that their in our lives at all. Michael really bothers me sometimes, mostly as a Comedy Sportz captain. It's not that he's a bad captain. The team has never been better. But he's really hard on me sometimes. He's not given me a single compliment since the season started. I don't feel like I'm a very good player. I want to please him, I don't want to let him down. I try so hard. But I know he's hard on me because he knows I can handle it. He's critical of me so I won't get a big head. Sometimes though, he gets on my nerves. I get really angry with him sometimes and I just want to walk away. But yesterday, I was clearing off my desk, and I picked up the birthday card he got me this year. On the inside, he wrote, "Carie, your birthday present is a five point Pididdle sheild (don't ask) and dinner at the place of your choice....Thanks for being too good for me. Love, Michelle." And I started crying a little. Little things like that are what keep them around. :) He may be a bit of an ass, but he's my best friend. Things like that make us remember why we love them in the first place. Hannah and Evan? They're idiots when it comes to each other. They frustrate me so much sometimes that I want to trap them at the bottom of a deep pit and leave them. They're both too stubborn, they're too patient, and under the constant illusion that they can make it work between the two of them. Not a chance. I know it wears the rest of us out, seeing our friends in constant pain, but then I think about how they're both going to be richer for these miserable experiences. I keep urging Evan to grow up, and then I realize that this is a huge part of it, and suddenly I'm not so mad about it anymore.

If you're asking what keeps people going, ask yourself if it's not things like hearing your favorite song on the radio, waking up and finding out you have two more hours to sleep, seeing someone you love succeed, or having that epiphany you've been waiting for.

My hands are stained red from this fake blood crap. I look like a burn victim.

Today was a pretty great day. :) After an insufferable rehearsal, Alex and I went to Castleton Mall with his dad to poke around a little. :) We went to Borders and I was like a kid in a candy store. Went right over to the Shakespeare section and picked up Much Ado About Nothing and A Comedy of Errors. I've read Much Ado but not A Comedy of Errors, so this should be interesting. Then we went to see Paranormal Activity and I was legitimately freaked out by it. Ay yi yi! It was some freaky stuff. I adore Alex's dad. :) He's a cool guy. And for once, I didn't feel like I had to impress anybody. His mother is such a smothering, controling, judgemental person, I just feel like I can't breathe when I'm around her. It's frustrating. But his dad is so great. I don't feel like I'm under constant scrutiny. :/ And it sucks that that's the way I feel most of the time...because Alex really is wonderful, and I want things to be cool...

Anyway, when we got back to his house, his dad and I made him up like a zombie for Jordyn's party. Even though I wasn't invited, I can still make sure that my bf doesn't go looking like a cheap zombie. I'm rather proud of the work I did. :) I think IO would be pleased with me. Anyway, that's why my hands are all stained. Now, I'm watching Hostel Part II, and waiting on a call from Alex later. I really am happy, I think. And once I get my head around all of this, I think things can progress even more.

"You make me feel so young...you make me feel like spring has sprung. And every time I see you grin, I'm such a happy individual..." :)

Minor Irritation...

I wish I came with my own manual. Because sometimes even I don't get why I think the way I do or why I act in a certain way. Sometimes though, I see reflections of it in the way other people judge me. Hudson thinks I'm going to melt down about everything, and I know that I kind of annoy the bejesus out of him. I don't know why I annoy Jayme, but I do. I wish I didn't. The other day, I found out that a friend of Alex's, who shall remain nameless, was making him choose between either going to her party, or hanging out with me Friday night. I said to him, "If she actually invited me, I wouldn't mind going to the party with you," even though I didn't know some of her friends EXTREMELY well, but I was pretty good friends with some of them, like Kristen, Payton, Luke, Jeneal, the "brat pack" as I call them, and as far as I knew, they all liked me, or at least didn't hate me. This aforementioned friend told Alex that he wasn't allowed to bring me because I'd make things "weird," whatever the hell that means. "A lot of people don't like her, it'll just be awkward." I would sure like to know how that flew under my radar. I know I'm not always the most likeable person in the world. I'm obnoxious, overbearing, loud, often inappropriate, opinionated....But I don't see how an entire party's worth of people dislikes me, or even hates me....I didn't think I was a person who was easily hated. Which is why I would prefer that people just tell me they hate me, rather than treating it like some dirty little secret. I'd rather know...and try to change the behavior then go on being hated.