To sleep, perchance to dream...

My text to Alex upon returning home:

"How art thou, my most worthy suitor? I daresay your broken silence was long awaited by thou patient lady. I would away with you in froglic had I not been swept away by the silver-tongued Player Branagh!"

His response:
"Go-eth to hell-eth."

Ah I do annoy him so. Anyhow, today was beyond great. With the epic viewing of Hamlet in Ms. Jenkins' room after school today, I was in for a long haul, but I did not succomb to slumber as I originally thought I would. I stayed awake through the whole darn thing. It did help that I saw Hudson's face in everything Polonius said. And Robin Williams as a foppish generic gentleman was beyond amusing. You can almost see Ken behind the scenes going, "Okay, Robin, you gotta pull it back, this IS a tragedy..."

Afterwards, we got a tour of the new part of the buliding. It's so exciting to know that I'll be in some of those rooms next semester. I'll have APUSH, Spanish, and Psychology upstairs. I can't wait!

I need a flashlight...

Alex keeps inviting me to youth groups...and I want to go, because I want to be involved with things he likes...but churches make me feel so uncomfortable. Because when everyone is standing, and I watch Amy sing, and I look around and everyone else looks so happy, and I realize it's because they have this sense of faith in them that I have never had. And it's such a lonely feeling to be the only person in the room who's not sharing in that great inner-strength. I'm jealous of them. I believe in God...but I don't feel that same aura that they must feel. I've been afraid all my life that God is going to send me to Hell because I don't go to church...and I don't pray...and I don't read the Bible. I went to his youth group tonight, and everyone went around and talked about making time for God, and prioritizing time for him. "God gave his own son so you could live. Is it so much to ask for you to take fifteen mintues a day to focus on him?" And it made me tear up, because I DO believe in God....but because of the way I've been raised, I think it's foolish to leave everything up to God...I mean...he's got bigger fish to fry....plagues and whatnot. He's given me my life's hand and it's up to me to make something of it....That has been my life's belief. I'm a good person...but now I'm even more terrified that I'm still going to Hell because I don't actively worship. I feel like I need to change, but I don't know why...other than I'm scared...I need help...

Little Things

It's so often in our lives that the little things are what keep us bustling through life. When life gets hard, we seek for the solace in little things when nothing big seems to be motivating us. People bother us, homework gets hefty, families get annoying, life gets slow. You get a failing grade on a test, no matter how hard you study, no matter how many flash cards you make or how many facts you can rattle off the top of your head. Families once again come down on you for shirking your responsibilities at home because what you're doing out in the world is more important to you than washing dishes. Friends trouble us, frustrate us, and even sometimes let us down. Boiling everything down to what it really is, simplifying it, polishing it and removing the flecks of bad can really help us smile on the fact that their in our lives at all. Michael really bothers me sometimes, mostly as a Comedy Sportz captain. It's not that he's a bad captain. The team has never been better. But he's really hard on me sometimes. He's not given me a single compliment since the season started. I don't feel like I'm a very good player. I want to please him, I don't want to let him down. I try so hard. But I know he's hard on me because he knows I can handle it. He's critical of me so I won't get a big head. Sometimes though, he gets on my nerves. I get really angry with him sometimes and I just want to walk away. But yesterday, I was clearing off my desk, and I picked up the birthday card he got me this year. On the inside, he wrote, "Carie, your birthday present is a five point Pididdle sheild (don't ask) and dinner at the place of your choice....Thanks for being too good for me. Love, Michelle." And I started crying a little. Little things like that are what keep them around. :) He may be a bit of an ass, but he's my best friend. Things like that make us remember why we love them in the first place. Hannah and Evan? They're idiots when it comes to each other. They frustrate me so much sometimes that I want to trap them at the bottom of a deep pit and leave them. They're both too stubborn, they're too patient, and under the constant illusion that they can make it work between the two of them. Not a chance. I know it wears the rest of us out, seeing our friends in constant pain, but then I think about how they're both going to be richer for these miserable experiences. I keep urging Evan to grow up, and then I realize that this is a huge part of it, and suddenly I'm not so mad about it anymore.

If you're asking what keeps people going, ask yourself if it's not things like hearing your favorite song on the radio, waking up and finding out you have two more hours to sleep, seeing someone you love succeed, or having that epiphany you've been waiting for.