To sleep, perchance to dream...

My text to Alex upon returning home:

"How art thou, my most worthy suitor? I daresay your broken silence was long awaited by thou patient lady. I would away with you in froglic had I not been swept away by the silver-tongued Player Branagh!"

His response:
"Go-eth to hell-eth."

Ah I do annoy him so. Anyhow, today was beyond great. With the epic viewing of Hamlet in Ms. Jenkins' room after school today, I was in for a long haul, but I did not succomb to slumber as I originally thought I would. I stayed awake through the whole darn thing. It did help that I saw Hudson's face in everything Polonius said. And Robin Williams as a foppish generic gentleman was beyond amusing. You can almost see Ken behind the scenes going, "Okay, Robin, you gotta pull it back, this IS a tragedy..."

Afterwards, we got a tour of the new part of the buliding. It's so exciting to know that I'll be in some of those rooms next semester. I'll have APUSH, Spanish, and Psychology upstairs. I can't wait!

I need a flashlight...

Alex keeps inviting me to youth groups...and I want to go, because I want to be involved with things he likes...but churches make me feel so uncomfortable. Because when everyone is standing, and I watch Amy sing, and I look around and everyone else looks so happy, and I realize it's because they have this sense of faith in them that I have never had. And it's such a lonely feeling to be the only person in the room who's not sharing in that great inner-strength. I'm jealous of them. I believe in God...but I don't feel that same aura that they must feel. I've been afraid all my life that God is going to send me to Hell because I don't go to church...and I don't pray...and I don't read the Bible. I went to his youth group tonight, and everyone went around and talked about making time for God, and prioritizing time for him. "God gave his own son so you could live. Is it so much to ask for you to take fifteen mintues a day to focus on him?" And it made me tear up, because I DO believe in God....but because of the way I've been raised, I think it's foolish to leave everything up to God...I mean...he's got bigger fish to fry....plagues and whatnot. He's given me my life's hand and it's up to me to make something of it....That has been my life's belief. I'm a good person...but now I'm even more terrified that I'm still going to Hell because I don't actively worship. I feel like I need to change, but I don't know why...other than I'm scared...I need help...

Little Things

It's so often in our lives that the little things are what keep us bustling through life. When life gets hard, we seek for the solace in little things when nothing big seems to be motivating us. People bother us, homework gets hefty, families get annoying, life gets slow. You get a failing grade on a test, no matter how hard you study, no matter how many flash cards you make or how many facts you can rattle off the top of your head. Families once again come down on you for shirking your responsibilities at home because what you're doing out in the world is more important to you than washing dishes. Friends trouble us, frustrate us, and even sometimes let us down. Boiling everything down to what it really is, simplifying it, polishing it and removing the flecks of bad can really help us smile on the fact that their in our lives at all. Michael really bothers me sometimes, mostly as a Comedy Sportz captain. It's not that he's a bad captain. The team has never been better. But he's really hard on me sometimes. He's not given me a single compliment since the season started. I don't feel like I'm a very good player. I want to please him, I don't want to let him down. I try so hard. But I know he's hard on me because he knows I can handle it. He's critical of me so I won't get a big head. Sometimes though, he gets on my nerves. I get really angry with him sometimes and I just want to walk away. But yesterday, I was clearing off my desk, and I picked up the birthday card he got me this year. On the inside, he wrote, "Carie, your birthday present is a five point Pididdle sheild (don't ask) and dinner at the place of your choice....Thanks for being too good for me. Love, Michelle." And I started crying a little. Little things like that are what keep them around. :) He may be a bit of an ass, but he's my best friend. Things like that make us remember why we love them in the first place. Hannah and Evan? They're idiots when it comes to each other. They frustrate me so much sometimes that I want to trap them at the bottom of a deep pit and leave them. They're both too stubborn, they're too patient, and under the constant illusion that they can make it work between the two of them. Not a chance. I know it wears the rest of us out, seeing our friends in constant pain, but then I think about how they're both going to be richer for these miserable experiences. I keep urging Evan to grow up, and then I realize that this is a huge part of it, and suddenly I'm not so mad about it anymore.

If you're asking what keeps people going, ask yourself if it's not things like hearing your favorite song on the radio, waking up and finding out you have two more hours to sleep, seeing someone you love succeed, or having that epiphany you've been waiting for.

My hands are stained red from this fake blood crap. I look like a burn victim.

Today was a pretty great day. :) After an insufferable rehearsal, Alex and I went to Castleton Mall with his dad to poke around a little. :) We went to Borders and I was like a kid in a candy store. Went right over to the Shakespeare section and picked up Much Ado About Nothing and A Comedy of Errors. I've read Much Ado but not A Comedy of Errors, so this should be interesting. Then we went to see Paranormal Activity and I was legitimately freaked out by it. Ay yi yi! It was some freaky stuff. I adore Alex's dad. :) He's a cool guy. And for once, I didn't feel like I had to impress anybody. His mother is such a smothering, controling, judgemental person, I just feel like I can't breathe when I'm around her. It's frustrating. But his dad is so great. I don't feel like I'm under constant scrutiny. :/ And it sucks that that's the way I feel most of the time...because Alex really is wonderful, and I want things to be cool...

Anyway, when we got back to his house, his dad and I made him up like a zombie for Jordyn's party. Even though I wasn't invited, I can still make sure that my bf doesn't go looking like a cheap zombie. I'm rather proud of the work I did. :) I think IO would be pleased with me. Anyway, that's why my hands are all stained. Now, I'm watching Hostel Part II, and waiting on a call from Alex later. I really am happy, I think. And once I get my head around all of this, I think things can progress even more.

"You make me feel so young...you make me feel like spring has sprung. And every time I see you grin, I'm such a happy individual..." :)

Minor Irritation...

I wish I came with my own manual. Because sometimes even I don't get why I think the way I do or why I act in a certain way. Sometimes though, I see reflections of it in the way other people judge me. Hudson thinks I'm going to melt down about everything, and I know that I kind of annoy the bejesus out of him. I don't know why I annoy Jayme, but I do. I wish I didn't. The other day, I found out that a friend of Alex's, who shall remain nameless, was making him choose between either going to her party, or hanging out with me Friday night. I said to him, "If she actually invited me, I wouldn't mind going to the party with you," even though I didn't know some of her friends EXTREMELY well, but I was pretty good friends with some of them, like Kristen, Payton, Luke, Jeneal, the "brat pack" as I call them, and as far as I knew, they all liked me, or at least didn't hate me. This aforementioned friend told Alex that he wasn't allowed to bring me because I'd make things "weird," whatever the hell that means. "A lot of people don't like her, it'll just be awkward." I would sure like to know how that flew under my radar. I know I'm not always the most likeable person in the world. I'm obnoxious, overbearing, loud, often inappropriate, opinionated....But I don't see how an entire party's worth of people dislikes me, or even hates me....I didn't think I was a person who was easily hated. Which is why I would prefer that people just tell me they hate me, rather than treating it like some dirty little secret. I'd rather know...and try to change the behavior then go on being hated.

A Progression of Stati...

So this was my day yesterday and the better part of this morning, all seen through statuses.

1. Lady Cap'n Carie McMichael 's heart is trying to rip down the walls her head builds. 9:10 AM
2. Lady Cap'n Carie McMichael loves how every school on Family Guy is named after a mediocre actor...11:54 AM
3. Lady Cap'n Carie McMichael MUST GO GET PRINTER PAPER OR THIS ENTIRE MEDICI ORDEAL DIES RIGHT HERE! HOW COULD SO MUCH PRINTER PAPER GO MISSING SO QUICKLY?!?!?!? (She suspects foul play from the Borigas....) 7:25 PM
4. Lady Cap'n Carie McMichael is giggling at the little doodle she did on her Renaissance Popes notes of Hudson wearing the tiara....9:43 PM
5. Lady Cap'n Carie McMichael is starting to yawn but her eyes are wide open. THANK YOU MONSTER. (She is predicting a heavy dose of caffine in about four hours, if not before that.) 12:33 AM
6. Lady Cap'n Carie McMichael : "All children, except one, grow up..." 1:43 AM
7. Lady Cap'n Carie McMichael wonders if Bob Hoskins was cast as Smee just to make Dustin Hoffman look taller by comparison....1:58 AM
8. Lady Cap'n Carie McMichael : Dustin Hoffman ----> Napolean Complex? -----> I think so! 2:23 AM
9. Lady Cap'n Carie McMichael : "You two-toned, zebra-headed, slime-coated, pimple-farmin' paramecium brain, munchin' on your OWN MUCUS, suffering from Peter Pan envy!!" 2:55 AM
10. Lady Cap'n Carie McMichael hates the part where Rufio dies...... :'( 3:26 AM
11. Lady Cap'n Carie McMichael is laughing at the cuteness! "YOU NEED A MOTHER VERY VERY BADLY!" 3:45 AM
12. Lady Cap'n Carie McMichael wonders how awesome it would actually be to be able to say that your dad is Peter Pan... 3:52 PM
13. Lady Cap'n Carie McMichael thinks that to live will be an awfully big adventure... 4:02 PM
14. Lady Cap'n Carie McMichael is up, out of the shower, and finally putting her month and a half of hard work on paper. 5:32 AM

Who knows how long this day's going to be?

A Place For Everything...

Sometimes I wonder where I stand in my circle of friends. You know, what kind of "friend" am I? Am I the friend that's the constant shoulder to cry on and offer advice? Am I the friend that agrees with you when you need me to? Am I the friend who gives you a slap in the face when you need it? Or am I the ever supportive friend? I don't know. One thing's for sure, I love all my friends very much, but in some cases, I'm not sure when I should act. Should I tell him that he's an idiot and his girlfriend's a shrew? Should I tell them that they're stupid and should be more mature about their feelings? Or should I tell him he's going a little overboard and knock him down a peg or two? Certainly, he'd take it best coming from me, however, I've always been his support. What do I do? One things for sure, I'm afraid that if I don't try, something bad will happen. I wanted this year to be fun. So far, it's merely tolerable.

Organizng My Thoughts: Back to School/Seventeen "The In-Between."

Okay, so it's been a whirlwhind of a last few days, but when I look back on it, I think it's been amazing. The first two days of school kind of sucked, but the birthday chronicles were worth all the crap. So, prepare for itemized thoughts over the experiences of the last few days.

Item #1: The First Days of Junior Year
Slightly emotional. I got sad when I figured out a large portion of my friends were sitting in the blue chairs on the floor. Kind of depressing, but meh. Got over it. Part of the suckitude of my schedule is that I have double AP on blue days. AP English so far is pretty great. I enjoy Mrs. Schoeff, she's fun. :) I'm looking forward to reading the Scarlett Letter too, even though I know it's going to be tedious. After AP English I have Madrigal, which is exceptionally weird so far because a lot of things have changed, like Mrs. Hardy no longer being with us, a great deal of the leaders being gone, and the new kids that I DO NOT like, not naming any names (*coughcoughjordanbeavercoughcough*). Anyhooooo, after Madrigal, I have APUSH. I like Mrs. Anderson, and the work isn't too overwhelming yet, but I'm not going to get behind, I'm staying up on it. Then finally, I have Spanish last on blue days. I'm in a class full of idiots, but that's okay because Senora and I get along really well, a lot of it having to do with the fact that she and I talk back and forth in spanish a lot. She enjoys that. On gold days, I have an EB first which is a prime location for that class. Algebra II homework will probably be reserved for that time, since I have it next. The BEST part about my new schedule is that I have Humanities with HUDSON, MICHAEL, CAROLYN, AND KORTNEY! :D XD This semester is going to be great. And I have Chemistry last with Mr. Coppess. LOVE him already, he's fun to listen to, because he inserts little quirks that you only catch if you're paying attention. I remember my freshman year when the fire alarm went off during the first day assembly and we all had to get out at once. THIS year, those of us who were crazy enough to be at school at 7:15 all got kicked out for a "suspicious smell." No matter what anyone says, EMILY KILE STARTED THE FIRE.

Item #2: Favorite Quotes from the First Week of School

"I have a map..." --- Lucia Borgmann (Yeeeaaah, you had to be there.)

"I like Bri cheese!" --- Mrs. Evers

"My assignments are cake. It's a cake WALK. You can walk AROUND it..." ---Mrs. Anderson

"I don't want to see objects lodged in any orafices." --- Mrs. Anderson

"I love it when you talk Spanish to me!" --- Senora Brown

"Alright, everybody, what word do you guys see in the word ANALYZE? And please don't say "anal." --- Mr. Coppess

"Don't make the school constipated, it's not nice." --- Mr. Coppess

"Air force defense systems......That sounds like an AWESOME responsibility!" --- Mrs. Schoeff

Item # 3: Turning Seventeen
I'm not sure why, but for some reason, turning seventeen feels different than turning sixteen was. Maybe it's because sixteen is so over stereotyped that most of the hype was sucked out of it by tradition and pop culture. Seventeen is that age between sixteen and eighteen where nothing is over-done or over-celebrated. But the last three days have just been a parade of birthday-related stuff. :) Friday was my actual birthday. The only slightly annoying thing about that day was that mom woke me up at the asscrack of dawn before she went to bed to wish me happy birthday. I got sung to like three times, once from Drama, once from Madrigal and the third one I can't remember. Michael went withe me and my family to Olive Garden and we all had a great time. I love how easily he and my parents get along, especially him and my dad, and to my mom, he's the son she never had. And by the same token, I get along well with his family as well. We spent half the day together on Saturday when we all worked the far, and they were my ride to and from. Michael's dad decided he liked me because I have an awesome sense of humor. Not that I blame him. The car parked next to us in the employee lot had a bumper sticker that said: "If you're gonna ride my ass, at least pull my hair." Then I went to IO's back to school/bday party thing and I finally brought Apples to Apples over. awesomeness. Mama Batka made me a birthday cake!!! I love her so much. ^_^

My birthday party was amazing tonight. :) Not really dynamic or everything, but it felt awesome, you know? The presents my friends got me really illustrated how well they know me. I almost felt bad, because I liked most of my friends' presents than my parents presents (with the exception of the new phone, which wasn't techinically supposed to be a present, my phone just happened to break the day before my birthday, HOW CONVENIENT!!!) My fabulous gifts are as follows:

From the parents:

Diary of a Mad Black Woman
Madea's Family Reunion
Madea Goes to Jail
The Uninvited
Folie a' Deux
Apples to Apples

From friends:

A giftcard to Kohl's --- from THEE Lauren Prazeau
iTunes giftcard --- from Alex
What I call "hair de-frizzlement," Skittles, and Sour Patch Kids --- from Jayme
Two memory sticks for my new camera and a SHAMWOW! --- from Fred (Chris giggled! XD)
Two Hershey chocolate bars --- from IO
Sour Twizzlers --- from Michael
A 1 year subscription to Popular Photography magazine!!!!!!!!!!!!!! --- from Chris :D :D :D I LOVE YOOOOOUUUUU!
A waffle iron --- from Ellen and Kasey. NOT KIDDING! A WAFFLE IRON. The best part? They wrapped it in pages torn from a Topics textbook. XD XD XD

And I still have some stuff to come, so we'll see. :) Hopefully Lex is getting me the Ball State hoodie I've wanted for ages. ^_^

Fruma Sarah! Fruma Sarah! Fruma Sarah!

Let me start by saying to the two of you reading that Fiddler was one of the best theater experiences of my life. My brother loved it, too, and he is now not only a fan of the musical but a huge fan of Chris' as well. ;) The music for me is now so much more exhilarating because I have a visual to go with the music. When I hear Tradition, I see you all in your neat lines across that stage. In Tevye's dream, I always get chills and goosebumps when I remember Gloria rising over the back of that bed (*coughcoughsputterhackcough*) and I always tear up when I picture Brian during the Chava Ballet Sequence. You guys all created something totally real and relatable. :) You should all be very proud of yourselves.

There's just something incredible about musicals that no matter what kind of person you are, it always leaves you wondering, "Hmm, if my life were a musical, what would it be like?" With the way I feel right now with this APUSH nonsense, I'm thinking dark comedy. Last night I had a dream that I was crucified by Mrs. Schoeff for using 11 point font on my Crucible essays. The only thing that would have been better is if she broke into song and dance, wearing a tophat and twirling a cane. For God's sake, I can already feel myself going in over my head with the AP crap. Not so much AP English of course, but APUSH has already stolen my soul. Other than all of that, I guess I'm kind of excited to be going back to school. :) Getting back into a regular schedule will at least keep me rooted, if not bored. I can already tell by the impending workload that I'm going to have to manage my time a little better. I hope I can calm down enough about it to enjoy next weekend. Two parties! IO's and my own. :) I can't wait.

Don't Worry 'Bout a Thing....

I thought today was going to be a bad day. But it wasn't. I went to Michael's and we had veggie pizza, and played with the foam swords and the nerf bazooka. I didn't have to worry about a thing. I felt crappy when I went there and I was smiling on the way home. Maybe I have more of an ability to pick myself up than I thought. This is not a huge deal. It won't be a huge deal tomorrow, or the next day, or the day after that. I'm going to be fine. :) No worries here.

“If you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there.”
--- Lewis Carroll.

CHICKEN!!!

Well, to say the very least, I am a happy camper right now. I've been craving sweet and sour chicken for two days now, and to shut me up, Ma decided to oblige. So, OM NOM NOM!!

On the way to the take-out place, we were driving behind this car with two bumper stickers on the back window. The one in the middle said, "FUTURE-PORNSTAR: Official training vehicle." Then right under it was a sticker that said, "Don't laugh, your daughter might be in here." My mom and I couldn't stop laughing.

I'm actually reading for once now, a book I got from Zaq called Story Sense: Writing Scripts and story for feature films and television. Pretty useful information, some that I've been able to apply to writing the opening scene for our play. I'm about seven pages into it, but it's starting to slow down. I don't think we developed characters enough to actually start writing, but I'll see what everybody else has done. I kinda like the way it's going so far, but that could change dramatically.

Two-three-kick-turn! Turn-turn-kick-turn!

Carie Ann Elizabeth Rockwell Kamikaze Lippenschnopp Gregorio IV......

1) ...very much enjoyed her morning of chicken biscuit and hashbrowns.
2) ...got up earlier than necessary for once to go watch her boys wrestle in the rain. (Honestly, is there anything I won't stand in the rain with them for?)
3) ...misses school, kinda.
4) ...hasn't started her AP homework quite yet. She's pacing herself.
5) ...has officially selected a camera model and emailed the page to Jacobs.
6) ...is currently eating Fritos.
7) ...misses hanging out at the gallery.
8) ...loved the new Harry Potter movie. (RANDOM ACTS OF ARSON!)
9) ...had a tasty dinner of chilli at the Pool residence. (Mitch's mom = AWESUM!)
10) ...needs to think about wrapping a "special" birthday present.
11) ...can't wait for Fiddler on the Roof!

Life Is Just POOF!

I know, I know, I know, I should sleep more, but my hours are all screwed up because I slept in until two today. Anyhoo, Harry Potter was very good. People were whining about it, but I thoroughly enjoyed it, despite a few holes in the quality. All in all, i'd say it's been a very good day. My fabulous twelve hours of sleep put me in a fantastic mood. After I drove home, I completely took over the televison and set myself up for a vampire double feature. First on the playbill: Fright Night. While Chris Sarandon is one of my more annoying Hollywood pet peeves, I like him in this movie. Creepy vampire junk and all that. Plus, for a horror movie of it's time, it wasn't completely hokey or revolve completely around the stupid actions of teenagers, drinking and having sex, therefore condemning themselves to being cut up by a stranger in a hockey mask. Nope, this actually had PLOT! Special effects are excellent for it's time, too.

Then I watched Dracula with Anthony Hopkins and Gary Oldman. This was exactly like Bram Stoker's novel, which I'm now anxious to read. I'm not entirely sure what I thought of it, it was borderline disturbing, yet intriguing. And my constant devotion the classic stuff is a big mental SCREW YOU, STEPHANIE MEYER.

Mowed the lawn today, too and managed to knock another $20 dollars off my ticket that I'm paying back to my parents. The interesting part? Dad randomly offers to pay Michael and me $100 each to take care of the yard at the house in New Castle when Jacobs is done remodeling it, which shouldn't be too much longer. God, I can make a $100 last a year if I so choose. :) Think of all the prints I could have made. I'm so excited!!!

Not Enough Green

Dad's back on the job rant again.

He wants to sell me the car so that it will be MY car. They don't want to be liable for it anymore. They want to sell the car to me, using their money so it can be transferred into my name. But I have to pay insurance, therefore Dad's back on the job. Where the hell am I supposed to work though? Somewhere I'll hate, that's what, because there's only one place I'd want to work, and it doesn't seem like that's going to happen anytime right quick. Niether of you find this very heart-wrenching, I know, because you've had jobs you've hated. Boo-hoo for me, whatever. Doesn't change the fact that it makes me mad.

My number one concern is having work take away from what makes me enjoy life in my teenager years: theater, my photography and my friends. I keep trying to stress that to Dad. But as always, he's got something backed up in the artillery for me.

"Michael's got TWO jobs, Carie. What makes you so different from him?"

Well, if you think he's so damned responsible and wonderful then ADOPT HIM for crying out loud, I don't care!

Not in a good place right now....not at all.

Per Chris' Request...

I am getting my blogging done early tonight so that I may be well-rested in the morning. Thank God rehearsal is at 4 tomorrow, so I'll have more time to get things done.

Today's rehearsal was the biggest waste of my time by far. Only four days until show and we finally have a set. JEEZ. This is the most stressful show I've ever done, it's nerve-racking! All we did today was a line-blitz and IO got to play around with my makeup a little. THAT'S IT. Sheesh. The rest of the time, some people were trying to piece together the set. Gosh. I hope we get to rehearse with it one time all the way through before we have show. *coughcoughbeautyandthebeastcoughcough* My makeup is hideous. I repulse even myself when I look in the mirror. Blech.

After rehearsal, I went to the fair by Evan's request to "chaperon" him and this other clingy girl, who's name coincidentally happens to be Paytine ;), who's been flirting with him lately. Yeah, the whole best friend girl buffer thing where I am mostly there to make it NOT a date. That worked out fine for most of the time. However, while she rode rides with other boys, Evan and I hung around and people kept mistaking me for Evan's girlfriend! He got pulled in by one of the carnies who introduced himself as "Truth" because, "he'll never lie to ya." He asked with a head toss in my direction, "This your girlfriend?" And Evan replied, "No, she's my sister." But he won me this little stuffed red dog anyway, by throwing balls at paper plates. We named him Weasely, because of his red hair. :D

The gyro man was shocked when he heard that I have never had a gyro before. Evan got one for himself (I didn't have any real cash, and I certainly wouldn't have spent it on a GYRO), and as we're walking away, gyro man said, "Now, make sure you share with your girlfriend, there!"

Then, when Evan tried to buy a large soda for us to split, he asked me what I wanted, and I said Mtn Dew. With a wink, the lady pouring the drinks gave the soda back with TWO straws in it. XD I about died.

Crappy day, great/hilarious night. :) I'm calling it quits now so I can get a good night's sleep and go jean shopping in the morning with mummy's money. :D

DELUSIONAL JEWS JAILED FOR UNLICENSED SOLICITING

Today has felt extremely productive, aside from an obnoxious rehearsal. Second Friday is always fun for me, especially tonight when they had the Raw Brass guys play. Really cool guys, fun to talk to. :)

For about five years now I've had posters clipped from magazines covering the hideous pink paint on the walls of my bedroom. When I was nine and I moved into my new room, I asked my dad to paint it pink. It took two years for me to get sick of it and since then I've been trying to cover it up with whatever centerfolds of pretty boys I could find. And about last night, I officially got sick of looking at Adam Brody, Jesse McCartney, Usher, and Ashton Kutcher. I'm actually dumbfounded they've lasted this long up there. Anyhoo, I got up on a swivel chair and removed all the ghosts of my pathetic middle school years from the four walls that surround my space. Then in their place, I put up posters of my photos from South Pacific that I took last year. When I stepped back to look at it, I was amazed at how much more I liked it. I think it was because it was a display of who I was now rather than who I was then. I hate my old self, the one that wanted to pretend like middle school was such a big deal and made everything a federal case. I was annoying, but I like who I am now, and I like those pictures. :) So, it was just a cool change-of-view thing that I really needed.

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Assume the Position

I guess there's different kinds of busy that a person can be. There's stressful busy and then there's productive busy. Obviously its the stressful busy that I hate. Busy, busy, busy. I'm trying to be optimistic about the show. Hopefully once we have a set, it'll be a little less worrisome. Taylor was completely right when he said that if it all does come together, it will be amazing to say that we've done it in two weeks.

I wish I had a laptop that was at least functional, that way, I can be cool like John and just update my blog from wherever my ass happens to be planted at the time. Jayme's got an old one that's missing the ENTER key, which I don't think is such a big deal. It'd just make FB chat really annoying. She says when she gets a new one, I can have the old one.

I think I'm going to go room-purge. Later!

Helping

I read a LONG blog post today. I hope someone can get through mine.

So researching different kinds of charities online led to some pretty interesting findings, and I don't just mean Google results. I knew one of my favorite actresses, Audrey Hepburn, was an advocate for UNICEF. It's interesting to hear her talk about helping other people. She talked about how it felt weird to walk into one of the feeding camps and see the kids there. She said it kind of felt like walking into somebody's room while they're on their death bed, and it felt wrong to be there because the family should have been there, not you. Then you want to reach out and touch them so they'll have someone near, but you're afraid you'll break them. But she did it because she felt like she should help people, because she was able to. "I have been born privileged. And it's only logic that people who are born privileged should help those who were not." If there were more people who thought that way, the world wouldn't be such an ugly place. But not everyone thinks that way. Not everyone wants to help others. Other people have a more effective way of helping others. They don't do it blatantly. They don't loan a family member money, they don't help a friend study for a test, they don't stay with a friend just because "they don't want to be alone." They take a slightly more self-efficient approach. Help them help themselves by not helping them at all. Make them work to get the money they need to buy that new bike. Make them study for that test alone, so when they ace it, they can say they did it all by themselves. Leave them by themselves so they can learn to cope on their own, so they don't use you as a crutch for their emotional handicap. That last one sounds awful, but sometimes, I wonder if I'm ever that crutch. Not just emotionally, but in every way you can use a person as a crutch. I enable people who have a tendency to be assholes to everyone but me. The only time that SERIOUSLY bothers me, is when those people are douche bags to people who ARE genuinely nice to people, or very nice to me (Skittles aigres). People who actually appreciate my friendship and who DON'T take advantage of me. What's really sad is that I can only immediately think of ONE person right now. One person my age, that is. I'm compelled to help people, I think, because I'm afraid that if I don't, no one else will, and I know that's a sucky feeling when no one will help you. Like when your mom is a drunk and your dad doesn't love you. The funny thing is that people in those situations don't seem to need a lot of help with the big stuff. They kind of got their own way of managing. It's when the "big stuff" isn't such a problem anymore, when new "medium stuff" starts up and they don't know how to deal with it. For example, a loved one moving very far away, let's say NEW YORK just for fun. And they're happy to have a really great friend who almost always comes when they call to help them feel better when they're lonely. But then they get used to the charity. THAT'S why I get taken advantage of. THAT'S why I don't feel appreciated by some of my friends. But it's a circle. I want to help, and they shit on me, but if I don't help, maybe no one else will. And around and around we go. Personally, I wish I would take the "self-efficient" route more often. I do it to myself, I know, I know I'm not a victim. Actually, I take that back, I don't just help because I think no one else will. I guess it depends on the person, really. If I love them a lot, I help them because I love them. If it's someone else, the prior circumstances can be instated. I dunno, it's even more complicated in my head....

However, those of you who ARE reading, and I know who you are, who appreciate me, I thank you. Believe it or not, you guys are great enough that you make those who suck not so bad. I think it's one thing to think you're appreciated by no one, and another thing to know you're appreciated by SOMEONE. Little victories, little victories. Actually, no. BIG victories.

Meaning

A product of staying up late (often against my own will) is rexamining the normal parameters of the world, and thinking in depth about concepts that most humans don't consider out of pure boredom. There are a lot of things that we don't normally think about on a daily basis, like how we want to die, or what makes our best friend our BEST FRIEND, or what we want most out of life, because let's face it, really weighing the pros and cons of our dreams and desires aren't as simple as taking out the trash or emptying the dishwasher. And usually, we don't make it a point to think about these things until we are reminded of them by something usually small or insignificant, like a smart and funny TV show you enjoy, or an old photograph on the refridgerator. Then some things that are kind of buried, or things that are repressed can get dug up and flashed out in the open. It's usually things like that that we try to find some sort of meaning. But then consider this, when do we ever try to find meaning in good things? The only time we ever try to find meaning in good things is when our lives have previously been crappy. "When you can't make sense of someone leaving, you sometimes try to make sense of what they left behind. And it makes it a whole lot easier when what they left you was beautiful." You find meaning in the terrible things so it doesn't seem like they were just there to make your life shit. SHIT HAPPENS. Our fates and events in our lives are predetermined and moderated by a powerful, all-knowing being. The real meaning should be in how we let these unavoidable obsctacles, events, anomalies, and redenvous with fate affect the way we move on to and deal with the next little speedbump.

Okay, off my philisophical soapbox for the evening........or early morning.

1812 Overture

Okay, I'm running out of things to do in the wee hours of the morning. :( I wish I had my June schedule back. Get up in the morning, transport the sibling, counselor for three hours, then rehearsal. I enjoyed that. I'm at a standstill suddenly and I hate that. Other than that though, I'm enjoying my life right now. I don't think I've ever been able to say that before, but things are just totally there right now. Everything's somewhat in place, despite some wiggle room here and there. So far, this has been one of the best summers of my life. :) I can't wait for a regular routine during the next two weeks with James and the Giant Peach rehearsals every day at the theater. That's a regular opportunity to get out of the house and get a break from everything here that stresses me out. Honestly, if I could live at the gallery, I would. I wouldn't mind it at all. One day I hope to live in a cool loft apartment, cliche as that is, just like the space up on the third floor. Just one big open room where you could hear music no matter where you are. I'd hang my framed work on the wall. That'd be the epitome of awesome. On the subject of living conditions, something I was thinking about today was if I to be successful in my photography or whatever, I wondered if I would stay in Greenfield, where I could possibly be a big fish in a little pond, or if I would try to be a shark in the ocean. New York, or Chicago or something like that. One things for sure, I'm going to have to be better than I am now.

Wait, here comes the crescendo!

Bom-bom-bom-bom-bom-bom bom bom bom!!!

Whatever You Imagine...

One of my favorite parts of the Pagemaster is the part where they reach the fantasy section of the library and there are a whole bunch of fairies and mystical crap. Somewhat cynical as I am, it's hard for me to think that I actually enjoy the fairy scene. However, when I really think about it, a world of wonder for a person is their eyes being open to new and astounding things. When I went to New York for the first time, seeing tall skyscrapers adorned with flashing billboards and neon lighting was amazing, considering that's not exactly something you see in downtown Greenfield. It kind of makes me wonder what I would create if I could make up my own world. I dont' know if I would make myself the empress or whatever, but it would be nice to kind of get along with everybody, or everything, I guess. Talking trees and magical artifacts are somewhat cliche, to say the very least. I think my world would be more of a reality with a touch of fantasy. Like, human beings being able to fly and whatnot. Personally, I would give myself the ability to read minds. Terribly useful. Naturally, with any created universe, the creator (aka Me) would be able to do whatever they wanted. But I wouldn't make it quite so easy to override conflict. Half the real fun of reality is challenges. Screw dragons and giant eyes levitating over volcanoes, I'd fight the IRS.

So I ask again, if you could spend a day in a world of wonder, what wonders would you create?

Copying Chris...

Carie...

1) ...can't go to bed until her parents and the Canadians pass out.
2) ...currently feels like the only adult in her home (how sad is that?!).
3) ...is bumming over her speeding ticket.
4) ...had her day brightened by a cynic of all things. *eyebrow arch*
5) ...loves her stuffed werewolf. She named it Virginia. Get it? Virginia WOLF?
6) ...is downloading the Fiddler soundtrack for morning listening.
7) ...is looking forward to spending the day with John, Jayme, and Chris.
8) ...is laughing at the fact that this is the second work day in a row that's been cancelled because of John and mines abscence.
9) ...doesn't like living in her house. But that's a given.
10) ...is deciding what form of artificial fuel will keep her awake tomorrow? Monster, or coffee?

On the other hand, I guess most of my musings can just be positive, considering I'm having a blast working on "It's a Howl". Yeah, it's nice to have a stress-free production thrown in there with the GC stuff, but I can't wait to get back and do that either. :) I find it hard to pick which I like better. But even if I did know which, that would be my little secret alone. ;) I am making a video, Chris, if you're reading.

Whoa, don't I have to be at Hudson's in like six hours?

Good night.

WARNING: RIDICULOUS SELF-ADDRESSING RANT

I have a certain way that I have operated my whole life. Habits, behaviors, and ways of coping that I've had for as long as I can remember. Things that have been hardwired into my system from infancy. Because I am the first born, I get shit on a lot parentally because they've never had a child this age. I myself am confident in my own future, as far as behaviors and attitudes go. I KNOW what I am going to be, my parents don't. They think they're doing their parental duty by telling me things over and over again. There are so many things I wish I could say to them, so many things I wish I could explain, but I will never get that chance, because they are my parents and there is a certain way they think I should interact with them. They want me to keep my room SPIC AND SPAN just because. They say they don't want a lot from me, they say they don't ask a lot, but what they don't get is that they're actually asking A LOT from me just from telling me to keep my room spotless. There are clean people, who can only function under clean pretenses, and then there are messy people. It seems like there's a huge mess to the clean people, but to the messy people, it's fine. They know where everything is because they put it there and they know where it is. The clean people don't think so, but they would never know because they are not a messy person. I've been taught all my life about being flexible and being able to change, but some people just can't change. So, why can't my parents allow me to at least find a happy medium between messy and SPOTLESS? I can't live in SPOTLESS! "How can you live in that pit? Don't you respect yourself?" When did this become a case of respecting myself? I woudn't expose other people to a mess like that. That's why you keep MOST of a house clean. If there are going to be people there, you should keep it clean. that is a sign of respect for the clean people from the messy people. That's a law I'd be willing to abide by. But this is MY SPACE. MINE! No one else is going to be in there except me. If I had friends coming over, I'd tidy up, because the certain friend might be a clean person. What are my parents really afraid of? I mean, really? If we have company coming over, just tell me. I'll tidy up, out of respect for the clean people. If the clean people expect us to adapt for them, then why can't the clean people, just once, realize that the messy people can't always get super-clean cold turkey? It just completely contradicts everything I've supposedly been taught.

I don't think any of this is really about keeping my room clean, because that's all i think of it as. I just think of it as keeping my room clean, or doing the dishes. Simplistic, every day tasks. My parents put these simple tasks on the level of RESPECT FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR PARENTS. Personally, I think my parents could have it a lot worse in terms of children. I'm an excellent daughter. I get good grades as well as being completely enveloped in a Drama program, in which I give %200, as well as keeping up my grades. There are two areas of my life that I don't give %200 in: DOING THE DISHES AND KEEPING MY ROOM CLEAN. My parents want to get mad at me when I can't sweep a floor properly. When I can't do it properly, my dad wants to do this ridiculous thing where he looks at me and asks me if I'm a moron. I'm sorry I can't do regular housework. Usually a mom teaches their kids to do things like that. My mom never taught me the exact science of sweeping a floor or loading a dishwasher. She just expected me to do them. I don't blame her for not teaching me, she was just very busy, working all the time. What I DO blame her for is harping at me when my flawed performance is a result of her actions.

And what kills me is the whole RESPECT FOR THE MESSY thing, when my parents are so wrapped up in being parents and the notion that I should just do whatever they bid without question, just because they're my parents, they forget that maybe I have feelings too, and there are some things that I can't do (like keeping my room SPOTLESS) just because of who I am. They can't respect who I am, they have to make me the way THEY want me to be. That's the only major problem with parenting I have: They want to punch out their idea of what THEY think you should be. They have no respect for who YOU think you should be.

Alright, I'm done.

Nostalgia

My family obligations bind me to doing a lot of things that I really hate doing, like visiting my pretentious grandfather and his new rich wife, when I know that they don't really like me. It turns out that I do like spending time with most of my family, we just never do anything. This is why it puzzles me when my mother gets angry that I'm never home. We're hardly a family-oriented bunch. Why pretend that we are? I'm perfectly fine on my own for the most part (as well as a teenager can do on their own, that is). However, tonight, my family obligations took me back a few years through a children's play. To support my brother, I went to see The Wild Wildest West, where he was playing the lead bad guy, Snidely Dastardly. Nowadays, I realize that Children's Theater is about as soaked with politics as theater programs can get, but back then, it was such a big deal to me. That's where my love of theater was born. I owe half of who I am to stuff that I learned in those days. Watching it tonight, it seemed so small and insignificant compared to what I do at the high school and with Chris, but to most of those kids, it's all they have. I remember when it was all I had, how different I was then. But I think it's all stages of life that get us to where we are. Today, I got to do a lot of thinking, not just about old lifestyles and friends, but of where I am now. Interesting conversations with Chris about boys and marriage kind of had me revisit my own personal romantic pursuits. Nothing's changed, but it led to a few good smiles.

For now, I guess, I'll stick to what I know, and leave the messy world of romance alone. Actually, I'm quite pleased at how much simpler my life is when I don't think about it. Right now, I'm just glad that my brother is so happy in what he's doing, because that will be really important later. He's going to be a freshman after I graduate. I swear, it'll be like I never left.

SHUFFLEBOARD!

To say the very least, my school year sort of came to an anti-climactic end. From there, I plunged head-first into what is currently known as the busiest summer of my life. Between working with small children in a day-camp to irritating members of a cast with my Fran Drescher drone, I can't seem to find a calm moment. I'm still shaky on whether I am complaining or beaming over the fact that I don't have to vegetate in my house like I did last summer and the summer before that. One thing that I have found with working with these new people is that credit is always given where credit is due. To say the least, some of my other endeavors are blatantly thankless, but it's refreshing to be appreciated and valued. There's also that whole thing with breaking a certain mold that I've obviously followed throughout the school year. Of course, with John and Chris, there's hardly a dull moment. With following their blogs, I created my own. I don't know why. They're probably the only ones who will ever really read it. I'm bored with Facebook notes, because you get all kinds of unnecessary comments there. I don't care about your outward, politically fueled reasons why you don't agree with me. Sometimes you just want to talk and hope someone is just listening, you know? You're not looking for advice, you're not looking for counsel. You're just looking for a good chance to rant about what's on your mind, or what irks you most.

And that's why on the eighth day, God created the Internet blog. :)